EYESIGHT : IT ALL HURTS

THE CURMUDGEN’S COMPLAINT IT ALL HURTS

EYESIGHT

      Eyesight is an interesting dilemma. I often think I can see people’s brains through their nose when they wear bifocals as they read a book or work on a computer. I had a special pair of computer glasses made so people won’t see whether booger fairy has blessed me. 

Sometimes I forget to switch back to my usual glasses and often end up in the women’s bathroom or have long conversations with flower arrangements. (Plants are very good at recognizing rhetoric.) If I don't have my regular glasses on I can't differentiate between fireworks and beer signs. o;ermy py hp ypj nsyj tpp, Oopsie!  put on the wrong glasses. 

      How anyone could let Dr. Luke Skywalker, who looks like he is fresh out of high school, operate on his or her eyes with something like a light saber (THEY CUT A SLIT IN YOUR EYE!) is beyond me, especially after what happened to Count Dooku.) I’m assured it’s perfectly safe, (THEY CUT AN ACTUAL SLIT IN YOUR EYE!)but when I consider having it done, all I can think of is the time I mutilated a cow’s eye trying to dissect it in Mr. Wooster’s Jr. High science class, so I won't let anyone CUT A SLIT IN MY EYE unless I ascertain whether he has more credentials than a note from his mother stating he has read "Delicate Eye Surgery for Dummies."

      The other day I was taking a shower and I heard this horrible screeching and thumps on the floor. I peered out the shower curtain and saw my wife apparently possessed, rolling on the floor, screaming and kicking her legs. Being a discerning and sensitive spouse I said, “Honey, are you OK?” She had put the extra strength contact cleaning solution in her eye by mistake. You can’t imagine my relief when I realized that a portal to hell hadn’t appeared in my bathroom.

      What is it that makes contacts so special? Who wants to bleed to death through their eyes and look like Dracula? They get lost down the drain. You can’t wear them when the wind blows and you end up wearing glasses any way.

      I wear my special shatterproof glasses all the time so that if I get shot in the face with a shotgun, my eyes will be hanging there intact. Let’s see contacts do that!
      No one ever noticed superman was really Clark Kent when he took off his glasses, so if you live near one of the leaking nuclear plants, turn green and gain super powers just wear your glasses and your secret identity will be safe.  I live near Rocky Flats and all I got was an extra finger.