IT ALL HURTS HAIR
A female barber who was pretty enough to make me believe any thing she said told me. “Look at all this hair. You’ll never go bald.” I regret giving her a tip. If there is any justice in this world she now has to shave, and trim her ear and nose hair as often as I do. If my curse is working her eyebrows meet and the middle looks like a tarantula is sitting on her forehead.
Hair, or the lack of it, has been a dilemma for me since I was thirty. Since then, I have been on a quest to find the right look for me. The hairstyles of today look like experimental rats that have had their
hormones altered and humped these youngster’s heads. I guess it works for guys like Ty Pennington.
My hair looks like it is trying to escape from the top of my head. I have a tuft of thin fluffy hair on top then the dead fall stops right above my ears like a tree line. If I don’t shave it, I resemble a lucky Norfin troll
doll in gum ball machine so I decided to investigate some alternative hairstyles.
A comb over is probably very attractive to Stevie Wonder or Ray Charles, but my wife, an immaculate dresser and fashion critic, delicately inferred I looked like I was having my brains sucked out by a seaweed monster.
At a party we attended last night, a gentleman with a toupee looked pretty normal, if your definition of normal is having people snicker and stare at you. It looked like he found it on a strip club’s parking lot or the side of a highway. Some lucky badger got a new lease on life stretched over the man’s head. I could tell the man was sure he looked thirty. That’s what hair glue does to your brain. Dyed hair on men really makes statement. It says, “I’m so clueless I think all of you people are too stupid to realize I dye my hair.”
There’s a commercial on TV that advertises gray streaks in hair. It depicts a desperate jobless guy grinning like an idiot, trying to impress the female HR department head of a company he is trying to get employed at. This version is more realistic. In the first scenario he has solid white hair and she is standing behind him. Her face says, “Hmm, he’ll probably take out his teeth at the Christmas party.” The second time the applicant has solid brown hair. The woman scratches her chin and say’s to herself, “Man he can die his hair really fast.” The third time the guy has streaked grey and brown hair. She wonders, “What in the world is wrong with this idiot?” She calls security to throw him out and promotes the janitor who has had the same hair color for ten years.
I recall when I turned 30. I was having a mini midlife crisis and felt the need to reinvent myself, so I purchased new John Denver type glasses and let a hairdresser give me a perm on my already thinning blond hair. When she finished I looked like I had a halo. The next day at work I was in an unusually good mood. A girl came up to me and told me how nice I was and that my twin brother was a real jerk. I married her. Imagine her surprise to learn I don’t have a twin brother.
A ponytail makes you look like you can’t afford a haircut. I tried one of those caps with a ponytail in the back.
I looked like a redneck wearing a hat with a ponytail attached to the back. Needless to say my wife was under whelmed. Many of these ponytail guys still live with their 90-year-old mothers, have samurai swords and spend their paycheck on porn and pot. If you go with the redneck look remember to cultivate your chest hair so it sticks out above your top shirt button.
After interviewing my barber, he assured me that I wouldn’t look as fat if I left hair covering about half my ears. He also assures me that people over four hundred pounds are the only people who actually fret about it. It’s got to take, what, about 3 lbs off me. I think a little fiber would do more to slim my face so I chose to ignore that fashion tip. I’m sure however it would make a four hundred pound person irresistible. I hear Rogain sort of works to grow hair, but I don’t want to spend 30 percent of my income growing something so my hair looks like the outside of a kiwi fruit. I figure if I’m that concerned about what girls think of me, I’ll just tape hundred dollar bills to my head. If shoulder length ear hair ever comes into style I will be one major playa. To avoid acquiring a nickname of "Weasel Nose" once a week I have to hack out what appears to be dust-bunnies stuffed in my ears and nose. I have discovered that tweezers are NOT the way to remove nose hairs unless you want to lose all your fillings gritting your teeth. I have enough hair in there to be a fire hazard.I got tired of trimming eyebrows recently and decided to quit.
I looked like a very surprised tufted owl. With a little bit of styling gel I imagine I could grow a visor. I've been told I look like characters on sesame street after just one week of not trimming them.
My hair looks like it is trying to escape from the top of my head. I have a tuft of thin fluffy hair on top then the dead fall stops right above my ears like a tree line. If I don’t shave it, I resemble a lucky Norfin troll
A comb over is probably very attractive to Stevie Wonder or Ray Charles, but my wife, an immaculate dresser and fashion critic, delicately inferred I looked like I was having my brains sucked out by a seaweed monster.
At a party we attended last night, a gentleman with a toupee looked pretty normal, if your definition of normal is having people snicker and stare at you. It looked like he found it on a strip club’s parking lot or the side of a highway. Some lucky badger got a new lease on life stretched over the man’s head. I could tell the man was sure he looked thirty. That’s what hair glue does to your brain. Dyed hair on men really makes statement. It says, “I’m so clueless I think all of you people are too stupid to realize I dye my hair.”
There’s a commercial on TV that advertises gray streaks in hair. It depicts a desperate jobless guy grinning like an idiot, trying to impress the female HR department head of a company he is trying to get employed at. This version is more realistic. In the first scenario he has solid white hair and she is standing behind him. Her face says, “Hmm, he’ll probably take out his teeth at the Christmas party.” The second time the applicant has solid brown hair. The woman scratches her chin and say’s to herself, “Man he can die his hair really fast.” The third time the guy has streaked grey and brown hair. She wonders, “What in the world is wrong with this idiot?” She calls security to throw him out and promotes the janitor who has had the same hair color for ten years.
I recall when I turned 30. I was having a mini midlife crisis and felt the need to reinvent myself, so I purchased new John Denver type glasses and let a hairdresser give me a perm on my already thinning blond hair. When she finished I looked like I had a halo. The next day at work I was in an unusually good mood. A girl came up to me and told me how nice I was and that my twin brother was a real jerk. I married her. Imagine her surprise to learn I don’t have a twin brother.
A ponytail makes you look like you can’t afford a haircut. I tried one of those caps with a ponytail in the back.
I looked like a redneck wearing a hat with a ponytail attached to the back. Needless to say my wife was under whelmed. Many of these ponytail guys still live with their 90-year-old mothers, have samurai swords and spend their paycheck on porn and pot. If you go with the redneck look remember to cultivate your chest hair so it sticks out above your top shirt button.
After interviewing my barber, he assured me that I wouldn’t look as fat if I left hair covering about half my ears. He also assures me that people over four hundred pounds are the only people who actually fret about it. It’s got to take, what, about 3 lbs off me. I think a little fiber would do more to slim my face so I chose to ignore that fashion tip. I’m sure however it would make a four hundred pound person irresistible. I hear Rogain sort of works to grow hair, but I don’t want to spend 30 percent of my income growing something so my hair looks like the outside of a kiwi fruit. I figure if I’m that concerned about what girls think of me, I’ll just tape hundred dollar bills to my head. If shoulder length ear hair ever comes into style I will be one major playa. To avoid acquiring a nickname of "Weasel Nose" once a week I have to hack out what appears to be dust-bunnies stuffed in my ears and nose. I have discovered that tweezers are NOT the way to remove nose hairs unless you want to lose all your fillings gritting your teeth. I have enough hair in there to be a fire hazard.I got tired of trimming eyebrows recently and decided to quit.
I looked like a very surprised tufted owl. With a little bit of styling gel I imagine I could grow a visor. I've been told I look like characters on sesame street after just one week of not trimming them.
Old white guys going after the bald biker look resemble a giant thumb with big ears, or in my case a pink Volkswagon with both doors open.
Ears, by the way, get bigger as you age. Some guys’ look like a shar-pei was grafted on the back of their heads. They are usually big unmarried guys whose friends are afraid to tell them that their head looks like looks like an aerial photo of the Mekong delta from the rear. Basketball players and Triple X recently made it cool to be bald so, after much thought and a half bottle of Wild Turkey, I went with the bald look. The first few times I shaved I looked like I’d tripped head first into a wood chipper. The sides of my head are white and make the tanned part on top look like I have a dome on my head. I stand out like one of the lumpasaurs in Jurassic park. It’s a great look for me.
Spontaneous combustion is another serious problem for middle-aged men, which is when for no apparent reason they start burning like an overloaded firework and are reduced to ashes. This is often fatal. When was the last time you heard of a child just poofing up in smoke? Not that often I bet. It’s always older people. That’s because it is a scientific fact that most children have smooth chests, no armpit hair, and don’t spray highly flammable hair-in-a can on their heads while smoking cigars and drinking. You can see that there are many health hazards that are more serious than hydrogenated fat to contend with at my age.
In conclusion: The secret to good hair is a hat... without a ponytail.
We will investigate more pitfalls of aging in this series next week. …I should have my fire extinguisher refilled by then.
Spontaneous combustion is another serious problem for middle-aged men, which is when for no apparent reason they start burning like an overloaded firework and are reduced to ashes. This is often fatal. When was the last time you heard of a child just poofing up in smoke? Not that often I bet. It’s always older people. That’s because it is a scientific fact that most children have smooth chests, no armpit hair, and don’t spray highly flammable hair-in-a can on their heads while smoking cigars and drinking. You can see that there are many health hazards that are more serious than hydrogenated fat to contend with at my age.
In conclusion: The secret to good hair is a hat... without a ponytail.
We will investigate more pitfalls of aging in this series next week. …I should have my fire extinguisher refilled by then.
LOL! This is hilarious, Dan. :))
ReplyDeleteHow do you come up with these things?
Do you also do stand-up comedy? You should try it. I think you have imagination and plenty of material. BTW, I just became your latest follower [not like a stalker, but as fellow blogger, I had to specify since you told me you're new at this and U R trying to catch up with the lingo] ;)
Thanks Claudia, I was very encouraged by your note. People tell me I'm funnier in person, I'd love to try stand up but I don't have a stage appearance.
ReplyDeleteRoxie sez
ReplyDeleteTrying ti become a follower. Google and Blogger conspire against me, and I'm about to throw my wooden shoes into the machinery and become a sabbot-ture. I'm definitely a luddite, but will do what it takes to follow your blog. You're a kick!